I’m not sure if learning to let go is really the most accurate thing to say, neither is learning to move on. I think it’s acceptance that I’m really trying to learn.
It’s been two months now since I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it’s really been harder than I expected. Initially I was very accepting and philosophical – yes I’m sad, but these things just happen sometimes and my body did what it needed to do. And I didn’t really have any doubts that at some point I would have another baby.
I have days where I’m okay, days when I just pretend to be okay and days where I’m really not okay at all. Just when I feel like I’m coping a massive wave of emotion comes along and just bowls me over. I have no control. It’s like being a tiny little duck in a big stormy sea.
I felt like I needed the world to just stop for a while until I got my breath back, just give me a chance to find my feet. But the world just keeps on turning.
And friends just keep getting pregnant. This is something that is particularly difficult for me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the most obvious is that it’s because I’m not anymore and I can’t say it. Secondly, I’m happy for them, honestly I am, but it’s covered in layers of ‘It’s not fair’ and ‘It’s my turn now’ and I feel so incredibly GUILTY about feeling that.
So I figured I just need to start changing my perspective, that I’d really come to a fork in the road and I had to decide which way to go…hence this little picture I drew:
I really try to be a ‘glass half full’ person, so firstly I thought about taking a step back and looking at the big picture. As a woman in Australia I’m already so much more fortunate than most of the women in this world. I don’t have to worry about violence or poverty. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. I have a wonderful husband and the most delightful, precious daughter I could ever hope for.
There are also so many women out there who have such a difficult path to travel to even have children and I’ve heard some particularly heartbreaking stories in the last couple of months. Multiple miscarriages, IVF journeys and the hardest to hear (let alone go through) was of a woman who has had a late termination due to severe abnormalities of the foetus. This really puts my world into perspective.
The problem with both these thought processes is that I’ve realised I was kind of telling myself I don’t have the right to be sad when so many others have much harder issues to deal with, which really isn’t helpful either.
I’m very fortunate to have a wonderful group of women in my Mothers Group who have given me a voucher for a meditation course. I really think this is going to be the key to grounding myself, facing my emotions (however scary they are) and healing. I had the first session yesterday and spent most of the 1.5hrs crying, which just shows how raw I’m still feeling.
I hope I can continue to share this story with those of you that read it, it feels rather self-indulgent but it really helps to clear my head and face what I’m feeling.