The World Keeps on Turning…

I’m not sure if learning to let go is really the most accurate thing to say, neither is learning to move on. I think it’s acceptance that I’m really trying to learn.

It’s been two months now since I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it’s really been harder than I expected. Initially I was very accepting and philosophical – yes I’m sad, but these things just happen sometimes and my body did what it needed to do. And I didn’t really have any doubts that at some point I would have another baby.

I have days where I’m okay, days when I just pretend to be okay and days where I’m really not okay at all. Just when I feel like I’m coping a massive wave of emotion comes along and just bowls me over. I have no control. It’s like being a tiny little duck in a big stormy sea.

I felt like I needed the world to just stop for a while until I got my breath back, just give me a chance to find my feet. But the world just keeps on turning.

And friends just keep getting pregnant. This is something that is particularly difficult for me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the most obvious is that it’s because I’m not anymore and I can’t say it. Secondly, I’m happy for them, honestly I am, but it’s covered in layers of ‘It’s not fair’ and ‘It’s my turn now’ and I feel so incredibly GUILTY about feeling that.

So I figured I just need to start changing my perspective, that I’d really come to a fork in the road and I had to decide which way to go…hence this little picture I drew:

I really try to be a ‘glass half full’ person, so firstly I thought about taking a step back and looking at the big picture. As a woman in Australia I’m already so much more fortunate than most of the women in this world. I don’t have to worry about violence or poverty. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. I have a wonderful husband and the most delightful, precious daughter I could ever hope for.

There are also so many women out there who have such a difficult path to travel to even have children and I’ve heard some particularly heartbreaking stories in the last couple of months. Multiple miscarriages, IVF journeys and the hardest to hear (let alone go through) was of a woman who has had a late termination due to severe abnormalities of the foetus. This really puts my world into perspective.

The problem with both these thought processes is that I’ve realised I was kind of telling myself I don’t have the right to be sad when so many others have much harder issues to deal with, which really isn’t helpful either.

I’m very fortunate to have a wonderful group of women in my Mothers Group who have given me a voucher for a meditation course. I really think this is going to be the key to grounding myself, facing my emotions (however scary they are) and healing. I had the first session yesterday and spent most of the 1.5hrs crying, which just shows how raw I’m still feeling.

I hope I can continue to share this story with those of you that read it, it feels rather self-indulgent but it really helps to clear my head and face what I’m feeling.

Thankyou 🙂


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16 thoughts on “The World Keeps on Turning…

  1. Rebecca Richards on said:

    I enjoy reading your words Kate. I was only thinking of you the other day and wondering how you are going. Sending you lots of love XXX

  2. india on said:

    I find writing to be so cathartic. I don’t see it as self-indulgent – but so what if it is? Is it not okay to indulge your self? Only healing can come from that, most certainly no harm. Blossom, simply expressing your heart-speak in the way that you are gives permission to so many other women (and men) to *feel* their emotions. To cry, to shout, to rage, to weep. To feel sad, to feel angry, to feel resentful, to feel guilty. So much validation comes through sharing. And too often we bottle up our feelings, which is never healthy.

    You’re in my thoughts often. This is such an incredibly hard time and nothing anyone can do or say will ease that pain. The healing comes with time, and as you say, acceptance – which is no easy headspace to reach. Sending you love and reassurance as you grieve, lovely one. Reassurance that you’re loved and thought of (even by those new in your life) and that one day, while the sadness will still rest with you, the tears that flow so easily now will ease. And you’ll find your breath again. xxx

  3. Thankyou Indi. I find writing so cathartic too and so necessary. I think I would implode otherwise!
    I like what you said about giving yourself permission to feel those emotions. I find I try to stop or avoid the ones I see as negative, but I guess I need to acknowledge those emotions too.
    Your words and thoughts mean a lot – thankyou xx

  4. I want to give you a big hug, and fix everything for you. It is such an emotional experience with your heart, head and hormones testing you to the extreme. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts, as I am learning with you. Love Megs.

  5. Aww kate just want to give you a big hug. Glad your finding it helpful.. be indulgent as much as
    you need. you do have the right to be sad It will surely be something you will always remember and think of your loss. I can’t even imagine how tough it would be. I love your picture your so creative definitely puts things in perspective. Hope you find a way to heal but remember I’m always there if you need your a very.special friend xoxo

  6. I’m so sorry to hear about this sad detour in your journey. You’re allowed to think it’s not fair, and you’re allowed to be sad. Life isn’t about being happy always, it’s about dealing with bad things and getting to happy. It’s a slow process, don’t be too hard on yourself. Crying is the best way to express grief. I pray that you are comforted in the dark times, and have a song in your heart always.

  7. Thankyou so much for your kind thoughts and words. Such a big part of this is allowing and accepting that I feel all sorts of emotions without judging myself. Thankyou xx

  8. Bianca on said:

    I love you and your strength Kate!! Thank you so much for sharing, your an amazing woman!! I have been meaning to contact you to see how Tuesday went, it is a great place for you to do some healing. You take as long as you need to on this journey and know that you have a group of woman and a loving husband that are here to support you along the way, no matter how long it takes. And just take each minute/day/hour as it comes. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  9. You absolutely have a right to feel sad. Except I would say that it’s not even a “right” … it’s just that you do – you can’t help it and that’s normal. If someone kicks you in the shin, well you know that someone who has just had their leg run over by a car is suffering more, but that doesn’t mean your shin doesn’t hurt because it bloody does! We’re trained to look at others and see that there are “people worse off than you” which is understandable (we do need to be grateful for all the good things we have in our lives) but we can’t deny our own natural responses to things.

    I think that when we’re denied things that should be natural – and I literally mean a part of nature – that we hurt the most. For me (and I know this sounds trivial in relation to your circumstances) it’s the absence of a life-partner. Pairing up and having love in your life seem a natural thing and it’s something nature is “denying” me . Struggling or being unable to have a child, or losing a life are massive denials by nature and are therefore awful, awful things to deal with emotionally.

    The only thing I can say is that the emotions you’re feeling won’t last (at least so intensely) forever. But I know that’s not in the slightest bit helpful for how you feel right at this moment. I do know that you have the inner strength to get through to the light that will be at the end of the dark tunnel.

  10. Ah Simone! You’ve hit the nail on the head on all counts!
    Our emotions just are what they are and avoiding or denying them isn’t helpful in anyway. That was my lesson this this week.

    I’d never thought about being denied a ‘natural thing’ in that way, but it’s very true. Certain things are just assumed in life and I think the absence of a life partner is in no way trival either. These are often things that are really out of our control too, you do what you can but sometimes you just have to let ‘nature’ take it’s course.

    Lastly there is a lovely little Leunig poem/drawing I have that says “This too shall pass” and I have always found that very comforting.

    Thankyou for you wise words and my love goes out to you…

  11. Kate, thanks so much for your honesty. I think it’s the best medicine – for you, and for those reading your blog 🙂 Take care xx

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