On The Edge

Here I stand. My feet have shuffled up to the edge of the board, my cold white toes gripping. It’s the 10m diving board at the pool and I’ve been here before. The last four times I jumped I hit the water. Hard. And it hurt.

The very last time I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of the water. I sank to the bottom like a stone, all the air escaping out of my lungs. My vision blurred, the world slowed. Eventually I made it to the surface and struggled to the edge of the pool.

And there I lay for a long time, half in, half out. Cold. Shivering.

For a while I wasn’t sure I’d have another go, maybe it’s time to leave the pool. For how much can a soul bear? And not any soul, but my soul. But I made it up the ladder and here I am again.

I will jump, I just need a minute…

A minute to stay the icy cold fingers of fear gripping my heart, a minute to breathe and a minute to gather the light around me. Here, on the edge.


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11 thoughts on “On The Edge

  1. And here I'll be, standing on the board, or at the bottom of the ladder, or by the side of the pool, or in the water itself… where ever you need or want me to be… being present, standing in love, in support, in joy, in heartache. For whatever comes. Standing with you.

    So much love, sweet sister xxx

    • Oh I know! Even when we aren’t together in person I can feel you there, walking the path with me, though I feel it must be painful for you too.
      Love, just so much love xxxx

      • 🙂 My feelings about my fertility journey and the fertility journeys of others in my life is a whole network of complicated in my heart and head. I’m so grateful for your acknowledgement of where I may be at too, Kate, so sweet and beautiful of you, thank you. Mostly my own journey is traveled in silence these days. When the big stuff comes up, I tumble and roll until I can stand again. You do what you only know how to do, yes?

        And we do what we do, holding the hands of those we love.

  2. I really don’t know what to say. I have nothing except all the love and support I can give you. xxo

    • You know what I’ve been thinking Nat? The chance that I happened to pass a woman in the street who handed me a flyer. So that I came to Mainly music and so I met you. And you opened the door to me, opened up a whole world of women who I feel so lucky to have met and call my friends.
      Thankyou so much for the incredible love you have given me.

  3. rebeccajrichards@hotmail.com on said:

    So much love to you Kate. May this leap of faith be a positive delightful beginning and may it have a blessed ending where you get what your heart desires xx

  4. Sending much love and holding out a hand if you need to grasp it. xx

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